Monday’s can “go suck a big f***** d*** Jill”.
Mondayitis is definitely a thing. It affects men and women up to 50 years of age that over indulge on Fridays, Saturdays and Sunday Fundays. It is highly contagious – if your best friend is suffering from it, chances are you will be too (usually as a result of being a bad influence on him or her). It is generally caused by “failure to quit” when told by security guard that “you’ve had enough” and that you should “go home and sleep it off”. Instead, choosing to move on to the next venue and continue consumption.
Symptoms include:
- little or no attention span
- grouchiness
- guilt
- cringing
- flashbacks
- tiredness
- resting bitch face
- frowning
- constant complaining
- headaches
- vomiting
- muffled ears
- loss of taste
- blocked nose
- bags under eyes
- sadness
- self pity
- tears (usually fake)
Although it feels as though the world is going to end on the Monday, symptoms only last until Friday afternoon.
Below is a list of cures for Mondayitis:
- McDonalds (Burger and/or Desserts menu – avoid anything from the Salads & Wraps menu) NOTE: try to resist the urge to drink post mix coke as your tastebuds are pretty non-existent at this stage and it will taste like soda water.
- Call in sick – this is generally the best option in order to avoid getting fired.
- Sleep in – majority of symptoms (excluding cringing and flashbacks – you’re stuck with those!) are a result of lack of sleep.
- Get a job that enables you to “work from home” on Monday’s.
- Phone a friend – usually best to contact a friend that was with you on Friday, Saturday or during the Sunday Funday as they will be able to offer some sympathy as well as insight into potential causes of your symptoms.
- Dancing – take T-Swift’s advice and shake it off.
- Beer/Wine/Spirits – either/or/all.
- Huggles – a mixture of hugs and snuggles with Mum, pet (cat, dog, bird if you’re desperate) boyfriend, girlfriend or gay bestfriend.
- Half-arsed pledges of sobriety – keeping in mind “after-work” drinks on Friday.
Remember, you’re not alone. Chances are, majority of the office is suffering too. It won’t be long before Tuesday slaps you in the face and you wake up to yourself. Hang in there!
elleonearth 